i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
