Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
