i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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