I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
