Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
