I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
