I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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