checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
