Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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