mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
