i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
