I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
