Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
