Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
