Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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