yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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