I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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