So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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