Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
