I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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