He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
