I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
