I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
