the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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