If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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