oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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