I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
