So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
