i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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