so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
