just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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