i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
How external is "for external use only"?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
