how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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