I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
