Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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