Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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