He had one of those small greek statue penises
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
