You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
