If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
