he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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