I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
