It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
