Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
