Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
