Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
