Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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