My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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