Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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