My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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