life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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