I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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